


Love Bites

by thetiniestderg



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe - Vampire, Alternate Universe - Werewolf, Animal Death, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Enemies to Lovers, Friends to Lovers, Humanstuck, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Trans Male Character, two fish get humanely euthanized in chapter 4
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-03-18
Updated: 2019-04-28
Packaged: 2019-11-23 23:45:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 12,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18158612
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thetiniestderg/pseuds/thetiniestderg
Summary: Sollux Captor was only 15 when he met his untimely demise. He was also only 15 when he came back to life with fangs and the absence of a beating heart. It's been three years since then, and he's only had barely enough time to adjust before moving to California for college. To his great chagrin, his family tags along, because there are a lot more jobs in tech around there than in New Jersey.Eridan Ampora was only 13 when his brother came out as trans, prompting his father to disown him and appoint his younger son as the heir to the "family business". That business just so happened to be professional murder for the benefit of his extended family of hardcore furries. In other words, a werewolf hitman. He spent five years of his life training for such a job, before escaping to college with a lot of money taken from his dad.The college that they both end up attending has made it mandatory for all first-year students to spend at least a year living on-campus. The two roommates have to figure out how to hide their supernatural identities, unaware that the other isn't quite human either.Shenanigans, of course, ensue.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First chapter of my first fanfic! I've had it half written for about a year, and just now managed to finish it in a fit of mania. Quite a bit of the story past this has been planned out already, with the second chapter already in the works, which I hope you'll all stick around with me for!

_Three years ago, 2:49 AM_

A black void, drifting through thoughts and consciousness and death, blood on the walls, familiar screams from familiar people mangled into cries of pain. Sollux stood in the middle of it all, and yet was still so far removed. The scenes cascaded around him, ones of murder, of fire, of falling. The boy could do nothing but watch and struggle and start screaming himself, feel the sensation of tears with no cheeks to fall down until the screaming and crying became real and he woke with a start.

Sollux stared with wide eyes at the Star Wars poster that hung on the wall opposite his bed, hugging himself as the dream faded. So, it was going to be one of those nights. The dreams weren’t common but when they happened they were inescapable, Sollux knew that much from experience. It was horrifying, seeing his friends die and not being able to do anything but watch.

There wasn’t anything he could do now except sigh and rub his eyes. Except… well, there was one thing he could do to clear his head and get back to sleep, but it was something he dreaded. It was usually a last resort, something Sollux would only go to once he was all out of better options—going outside and getting some fresh air.

Sollux was busy trying to think of other things he could do to pass the night in a mindless, screen-filled trance, before a very unwanted and unwelcome thought crept into his head. He had a history test tomorrow, one that determined whether he passed the class or not, and subsequently whether or not he would have enough allowance to buy a limited edition GBA off Ebay before some other shmuck got their grimy hands on it. Sollux couldn’t just sleep through the class like normal, this was a life or death situation. Begrudgingly, he makes up his mind.

Climbing out of bed with a reluctant groan, Sollux threw on the closest t-shirt and pair of jeans he could grab off the floor. It’s not like anyone he knew was gonna see him, no point in bothering with clean clothes. After creeping by the other two bedrooms in his house to avoid waking his family, Sollux grabbed a mustard hoodie by the door. He was thankful for the extra layer when he stepped out and was hit with cold winds, zipping it up before closing the door softly behind him.

Usually a short walk through the park by his small house was all it took, and Sollux turned in its direction almost instinctively. There was just something about the creaky merry-go-round and rusted monkey bars that put his mind at ease. Maybe it was the familiarity, the nostalgia that came with a place where he’d broken his arm twice. Maybe it was the miracle that his dad still let him go near it after that.

Sollux rounded the corner of his street, heading past the metal slide that would heat up to approximately one bajillion degrees in the summer. He hated that thing, the burns he’d gotten from it once were worse than broken bones. He glared in its direction and veered off towards the swings. A rustling noise came from the small patch of woods that surrounded the small playground, a squirrel or a cat maybe. Sollux looked up at the sound, but couldn’t see anything from scanning the trees. He took a deep breath; it was probably just a hallucination still lingering from his dreams. Sometimes things stuck around in reality, but he just had to tell himself it’s not real until it eventually goes away on its own. Goddamn unmedicated schizoaffective disorder.

The rustling noise came again; this time from behind him. Sollux ignored it, even as he slouched to curl in on himself and feel a little bit safer. It’s not real, he has to tell himself that it’s not real and it’ll go away. That’s how these things always were when they happened, and he cursed at the supposed hallucination. The noise didn’t come back after that.

Sollux looked up to the sky in the new silence, only to find the stars covered by clouds. He smiled at it. The shapes in the rolling forms of the clouds were a lot more interesting to pick out than lines connecting bright dots that gave him a headache. It was in the middle of picking out the shape of a dog, and he would remember this years later, that there was a sudden pain in his neck before everything went dark.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

_Three years ago, 5:19 AM_

It was much, much too early for Simon Captor to be shaken awake by one of his sons. He’d worked late last night, and usually the two of them knew to leave him alone and take the bus to school on those mornings. Instead he blearily opened his eyes to a distressed Mituna, shouting something too loud.

“Dad! Dad dad dad dad dad dad-” Mituna chanted, still shaking him. It took a short while for Simon to focus enough to try to sit up, only to find himself pinned.

“What, what? What’s going on?”

“I can’t find Thollux! I checked it all—every all—fucking—!!” Mituna struggled with his coherency, something that usually happened when he was particularly distressed. He slipped off of Simon, giving the dad an opening to calm him down.

“Hey, hey, Tuna, no worries, no worries.” Simon put a hand on his son’s back, rubbing up and down. “We’ll find him, but first you need to put a dollar in the swear jar. You know the rules.”

Mituna groaned at his loss, distracted from his distress for the time being. He grumbled and muttered as he got up to his feet, hitting the doorframe as he stormed out. The jolt pulls another swear out of him, and then a swear for swearing before he resigned to his fate of losing three dollars. Simon smiled, not at the imminent donations to the cause of a new toaster for the household, but at his son being himself. The content mood doesn’t last long, though, as he remembered why he was awake in the first place.

Sollux wasn’t the type to just… up and disappear like that. He’d stay out too late and ignore scolding text messages, sure, but he was responsible enough to at least let an adult know he was going to be gone. He wasn’t enough of a morning person to be up and about, either; something had to be up. It was yet to be seen whether that something was him asleep under his bed, eluding Mituna’s search, or if it was something more serious. Simon had an inkling that it was the latter.

First, he had to get decent enough to find his son and chew him out for almost missing school. When Mituna came back in his room for a plan, Simon told him to just get himself ready too. He brewed a quick mug of coffee so he wouldn’t fall asleep mid-manhunt, deciding he might as well make breakfast too so Sollux could have some disappointingly room temperature eggs to come back to as punishment. Like the responsible adult he is, he left the eggs frying on the stove with a cover on them to trap the steam while he left to help his son get ready.

“I’m thaid— telled you— Thollux wathn’t anywhere and hith sh—thtuff ith thtill here ‘cept his jacket, but not hith backed pack!” Mituna explained, knocking his now helmet-clad head into the dresser as he pulled out two pairs of pants. Not that he was planning on picking between the two, but wearing them both at once.

“Was his phone still in his room?”

Mituna bit his tongue for a second, before shaking his head ‘no’.

Knew it! That boy was in trouble. “Can you do the phone finder app thing with him? I’ll move the Switch out of his room and into yours.”

Delighted by this development, Mituna snatched his phone off his unmade bed while Simon pulled his second pair of pants on him. After some tapping (pointed jabbing, really, like pressing harder would make things go faster) of the screen, he thrust his phone up like it was a winning lottery ticket. “He’th at the ffffththsh park!!”

Simon worried at his lower lip, thinking. Why on Earth would Sollux be there, of all places? He better not be buying drugs. “Alright, thank you mister pants man, now get your very protected butt up so we can eat breakfast. Sollux is already going to miss the bus at this point, I’ll drive him to school and walk him to class myself.”

Mituna snickered, all too happy to run out to the kitchen and get himself a plate for his eggs. Simon followed to turn the stove off and serve him, setting the rest of the pan’s contents aside to get cold and sad for his other son. Mituna practically inhaled his eggs, barely giving his dad time to stop him at the door for goodbyes.

“You have a good day at school now, alright? And keep embarrassing Sollux for me after I drop him off.”

An energetic nod plus a light hug and Mituna was off, scrambling out the door with his beloved ‘skate-broad’. Simon headed out afterwards at a less speedy pace, though still ended up fast-walking to the park that marked the end of their little section of suburbs. “Sollux?” He called, glancing around the visible parts of the park. “Sollux!”

With no answer and no immediate appearance of son, Simon sighed and headed further to the back of the park. If he was a teenager hiding from his dad to skip school, that’s where he’d…

He frowned. “Sollux, get up. Sollux. Young man, I can see you, you can’t play dead like a possum and think I’ll…”

“I’ll…”

Was he breathing?

“...Sollux?”

Simon’s legs moved for him, pulling him from where he was standing to kneeling beside his son in a movement he barely registered. Sollux’s hand was ice cold as he picked it up, and Simon could feel a persistent sting starting behind his eyes, his heart caught in his throat as he checked his wrist for a pulse.

_One._

”Not you too…”

_Two._

“Not now…”

_…_

Simon shook, squeezing Sollux’s wrist to try and find even the weakest pulse while he covered his open mouth with his other hand. He bent over to put his ear to his son’s chest, hearing nothing. The silence was deafening, making him sit back up after only a few seconds. He shifted to hold Sollux’s lifeless hand in both of his, openly sobbing now. Simon cried like that for what seemed like hours, but couldn’t have been more than a few minutes, until—

Sollux pulled a deep breath into his undead lungs, eyes popping open as he sprung up.

Simon was not ashamed to admit he screamed loud enough to wake the neighbors that morning.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, chapter 2! I had originally planned to upload this tomorrow, but I just couldn't wait. Please enjoy, and read the end notes if you're confused about anything!

_         Five years ago, 8:31 AM _

caligulasAquarium [CA] opened group chat on board TAVROS IS A SAD SHITBABY.

CA: cmon you lousy lot i aint waitin another goddamn hour

CA: you all agreed to this schedule so stick with it

CA: youre all sorry excuses for larpers

CA: hello

CA: im waitin

CA: check in you pansies

CA: i aint gonna end up alone at the park cause you fuckwits all decided to throw a shit eatin party for babies instead a showin up

arachnidsGrip [AG] joined group chat.

AG: God, SHUT UP!!!!!!!! You’re the only one who agreed to meet up at loser’o’clock in the morning, Ampora.

AG: Unlike you, some of us actually have lives. Lives that don’t involve getting up at 7 AM to dress up and head to the park.

adiosToreador [AT] joined group chat.

AT: hey, uh, 

AT: why is the board name, that,

CA: VRIS STOP CHANGIN THE GODDAMN NAME THIS IS SERIOUS BUSINESS HERE

caligulasAquarium [CA] changed the board name to LACKNEY PARK SERIOUS BUSINESS LARPING CLUB.

AG: Whaaaaaaaat? I’m not allowed to have any fun anymore?

AG: I thought that’s what this was all about, Dualscar. Fuuuuuuuun!

AG: Stop being such a shitty wand in the mud.

AT: what does that even,

AT: uh, mean,

AT: exactly,

AG: It meaaaaaaaans, my dear, sweet Tavros, that you’re an idiot who can’t understand the most basic forms of wordplay.

AT: uh, thats not,

AG: Shut up, pupa.

AT: okay,

CA: vris i will literally pay you to shut the fuck up an stop bein such a huge bitch

CA: dont get me wrong i aint defendin tavros

AT: um,

CA: shut up tav

AT: okay,

CA: but seriously you spend so much time eggin on him that i could swear you wanna fuck him outta some twisted form a spite

AG: Shut up, Ampora!!!!!!!!

AG: At least IIIIIIII’m not a sorry, friendzoned GUPPY who got rejected by the same girl three times in a YEAR!!!!!!!!

CA: LISTEN HERE YOU BILGEHAG I—

CA: UGH 

CA: fuckin shove your head back up your ass for a minute i gotta deal with my dad

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased responding to group chat.

The knock on his door that had come a few moments prior was loud enough to have woken Eridan if he wasn’t already up. It was somewhere between an enraged pounding and a controlled, curt knock, and he felt that dichotomy could describe his father perfectly.

“Come in,” Eridan says, voice level but not raised. His father might think his mannerisms towards him were out of respect, but it was only that Eridan knew how to interact with him in a way that got things over with as quickly as possible, and in his favor as much as possible.

The door slid open smoothly, revealing Orpheus Ampora, Eridan’s father. The scars across his face gave him an intimidating look, but one that his son had long grown used to. To him, now, he just looked like a curmudgeonly old man. 

“Eridanus.”

Eridan stood, though grimaced on the inside at the use of his full name. At one time he found it a truly noble name, but after hearing it so long in that tone it just left a sour taste in his mouth. “Yes, father.”

“Your  _ sister _ ”—he emphasized the sister part, which Eridan found odd—“is no longer part of this family. You will not speak to her or interact with her in any way in this household.”

“Yes, father.” Bullshit! What the hell was this even about? He knew about Cass’s whole tomboy thing, but dad wasn’t like this about it before…

Orpheus’s returning voice pulled him from his brief thoughts. “As such, you’re now my heir and apprentice. Your trainin’ starts tomorrow.”

Being the heir and apprentice to a very rich man might’ve been wonderful news in any normal situation, but upon hearing those words Eridan knew he was in deep shit. Being his father’s apprentice would involve being raised into a hardened killer, someone to take care of dirty business for the leader of their ‘family’. That had been Orpheus’s place in the pack, a Hunter, he was called, taking out people at Miss Peixes’s discretion. And now Eridan would be expected to take over that duty once his dad keeled over. While the boy had sociopathic tendencies that would make the job easy, he wanted his own life, not to be kept on a leash as a guard dog.

Eridan’s jaw tensed, leaving his words forced. “...Yes. Father.”

“And get out of that stupid fuckin’ outfit, you make a mockery of us all goin’ out in it.”

He grit his teeth. “Fine, father.”

Orpheus shot him a harsh glare, but said no more. The door was not so much slammed as shut firmly as he left Eridan’s room, leaving the boy to let his anger flow outwards. He screamed into the sleeve of his violet coat, then climbed onto his bed to punch at his pillows. He tried unsuccessfully to rip one apart with his teeth.

“W-why the fuck does the w-world hate me?!” he yelled into the soft fabric of a thick blanket, too furious and alone to give much of a shit about his slipping speech impediment, “Is this some sort a sick joke?!”

Eridan felt tears prick at his eyes, and let another bout of fury take over to chase them off. He stormed to his desk, fingers gripping onto the edge as he let his head hang, tense. For a moment he considered reaching into the fish tank in front of him to take out its residents and stab them to death while they squirmed, before slumping down into his chair and letting the thought pass. Eridan put his head down on the desk, pillowed by an arm, and tapped the glass lightly. 

“I could nev-ver hurt you… You’re the only ones who understand me.” The two ryukin goldfish, Julius II and Augustus II, had been a birthday gift a few years ago. He’d confided in them many times before, after failing in trying to get one to kill the other, and would probably be embarrassed about the former fact if he thought on it too much. He watched them swim around pointlessly in the tank for a few minutes before sitting up and returning to his computer. He hovered over the LARPing club’s open group chat, but put it off a little longer to check what all the mess with his sister was about.

caligulasAquarium [CA] began pestering greasedTobacco [GT].

CA: hey cass

GT: dont fucking call me that, alright?

CA: what the hell do you mean dont call you that its your fuckin name dipshit

GT: NO IT AINT. not anymore. Its cronus now, chief, dont forget it.

CA: thats a boys name idiot

CA: is that what dads all pissy about

GT: hey, congrats on winning a medal for being the biggest asshole on earth! its really just such an honor to be here with you for this big moment. but just for future reference, eri, i picked a boys name because im a boy.

CA: what in the hell is that even supposed to MEAN

CA: did you take someones advice to grow a pair too seriously an magically sprout a dick

CA: dont answer that

GT: no, you asshole. im trans.

CA: oh yeah like that clears anythin up

GT: i dont feel like a girl and i just aint ever have, chief! this is the real me right here, cronus, the dude. im talking leather jackets, diesel jeans, im gonna cut my hair short and dye it black. picture john travolta but hotter.

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased pestering greasedTobacco [GT].

Maybe he was being a little rash in just leaving like that, Eridan thought, but he was beyond pissed. Seriously? He was getting all his life’s aspirations trampled into the dirt just because of some hipster bullshit? He had a right to be pissed about this. He thinks about telling his father he's doing whatever Cass— ...Cronus (Cro?) is doing to get out of the job, but he had a feeling that his father wouldn't settle for having no one to take over when he dies. Besides, he's not a coward.

Eridan gave a huff and tapped a bit more intrusively on his fish tank to scare his aquatic Roman rulers, then sat up straight. He had a LARP event to hassle people into.

caligulasAquarium [CA] joined group chat on board ERIDAN IS A SAD SHITBABY.

GC: LOOK WHO F1N4LLY R3JO1N3D TH3 P4RTY >:]

GC: VR1SK4 JUST F1LL3D M3 1N ON YOUR L1TTL3 B4BY T4NTRUM

GC: HOW W4S YOUR V1S1T W1TH D4DDY, M1ST3R V1OL3T HON3Y?

caligulasAquarium [CA] changed the board name to TEREZI IS A BLIND BITCH WHO NEEDS TO SHUT THE FUCK UP.

apocalypseArisen [AA] changed the board name to LETS JUST HAVE FUN HERE GUYS!.

arachnidsGrip [AG] changed the board name to LAMEO LOSER PARTY.

caligulasAquarium [CA] ceased responding to group chat.

God, Eridan really hated his friends sometimes.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_         Four years ago, 11:53 PM _

Eridan stood down the snarling canine creature standing before him, showing no outward fear even as his heart pounded in his chest. He'd faced off with it before, most of the scars on his body a testament to his efforts.

This was a formal, scheduled thing, despite the wild look in the large wolf's eyes. Training, it was called, to make him a killer. Not that he could kill the creature in front of him, or that he'd want to, because the creature was his dad. Eridan might despise the man, but he doesn't want to  _ kill _ him. He knew he should change already, it's what his father was so mad about, (or maybe he was just making himself threatening to trigger his instincts? It was hard for Eridan to tell) but he'd already thrown up twice that day and generally felt like hot shit. That didn't matter, his dad had told him, because there were times when he'd feel like hot shit and he'd have to suck it up like a man. The cold chill of the wind was starting to get to him anyways, and he knew he wouldn't be allowed to return to the warmth of the indoors until they we're finished out here. 

Begrudgingly, Eridan got down on his knees, then put his hands on the ground in front of him. Willing the change was like pulling a dam away from a filling reservoir, the liquid crashing down on him akin to burning acid. His anatomy shifted like putty, and Eridan had to bite back any verbal cry of pain, lest he get scolded for it later. 

In seconds, all that had dissipated, and he was left looking like something animal control should pick up. Contrary to modern fiction, there wasn't much of a monstrous look to him, aside from the permanently bristling fur and fangs that didn't completely fit in his maw. Otherwise, regrettably, he looked like a very large wolf.

Eridan didn't have time to let the haziness of adjusting to a new pair of eyes wear off on its own, and so shook himself off before falling out of the way of a lunge from the other wolf. The fight was on.

Five minutes in, the fight was back off as Eridan heaved out another stomachful of bile. He was pinned, then sent back inside, his father having called off the training for the night. He didn't bother going through the trouble of changing back until morning, when it felt less like doing so would rip his insides apart.

He didn't know how he was going to survive the next four years until his escape.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some clarifications, if anyone wants them:  
> 1\. Yes, Eridan is currently a little bitch, but he's also only 13 right now. He apologizes to Cronus and stops being a dick about trans things at some point between now and college.  
> 2\. Yes, Terezi still has her quirk, even though it's humanstuck. She started doing it on a dare, and just never stopped because it gave people a headache. That's the excuse I'm using, anyways, since it just didn't feel right without it.


	3. Chapter 3

_         Present day, 11:47 AM _

Sollux woke up to his dad shaking his shoulder, giving the man a groan disgruntled enough to properly relay his mood. Why the hell was he being woken up so early? It felt like the middle of the night!

“Sollux, it’s almost noon, you need to get up for school so we can help you move in.”

Oh right, that. The ‘whole moving 3,000 miles from home with his family so his dad could get a better job while he was in college’ thing. Sollux faintly acknowledges that being a reality now. “Ugh… do I theriouth… do I really have to? Can’t we do it later? The sun’s out anyways.”

“No, we really can’t, because your brother will complain and we’ll look like we’re trying to rob someone. Come on, it’s a new experience in a new city, it’ll be fun!” Simon pulled the blankets off of his son, receiving another unhappy mumble.

Sollux rolled over, rubbing his eyes. Why couldn’t the world transition into a nocturnal schedule like his? That’d be so much easier. “I had enough new experiences trying to figure out how the shower works in this house, I’ve filled my quota for the next three years.”

“No you haven't, get up. Don’t make me turn the light on,” Simon threatened, and Sollux knew that he would. It’s been his go-to blackmail for getting him out of bed since he couldn't open the window to let the sun in instead.

“Fine! Fine. I’m getting up.” Sollux shooed his dad away, sitting up and doing his best to keep his eyes open. He got his hair ruffled for his efforts, and Simon stuck by the doorway before leaving to make sure he got all the way out of bed.

“There’s blood for you in the fridge, by the way.”

Sollux looked over at his dad. “Mm. What kind?”

Simon’s face scrunched up a bit in thought. “I think… cow?”

“Yummy. My favorite.”

“You’re so hard to shop for, you know that? The butcher here already thinks I’m crazy and that’s your fault.”

Sollux smiled and laughed a bit, getting to his feet. “Yeah, yeah, I know. Thanks dad. I’ll be out in a second.”

Simon gave his son a smile and shut the door behind him. That son groaned once more and flopped back over onto the bed, before sliding off onto the floor. Today was going to be a long, long day. First things first, he needed to get ready. Instead of bothering with getting awake enough to change out of the clothes he’d been wearing since yesterday, Sollux checked his current outfit. There weren’t any visible stains, and they smelled fine… so he put on a hoodie so his dad wouldn’t find out he hadn’t changed clothes and deemed the job done. He unplugged his phone from the nightstand and shoved it in his pocket, finding an old cough drop in there that he dropped on his bedroom floor. Already the place was littered with similar victims of his laziness, and they’d barely been in the new house for more than a few days. Sollux calls it saving time.

Once he leaves his room, he makes a beeline straight for the kitchen for breakfast. He used to be embarrassed about his mandatory diet, how gross it seemed to drink animal blood (and occasionally human blood, when he needed to), but over the years he’s just lost the ability to give a shit about it. His dad bought it in batches at the butcher’s and put it in various tupperwares, which Sollux just drinks out of, since it’s not like anyone else is gonna use it. Mituna would still make sure to poke fun at him for it, though.

Mituna shouts from a stool at the counter, mouth full of Froot Loops, “Hey ith that how you—” He glances around for any sign of parental supervision before continuing. “Ith that how you eat puththy?!”

Simon unsurprisingly heard from the other room, since Mituna wasn’t trying that hard to keep quiet. “Mituna! Swear jar!”

“Fuck!”

Sollux snickered, having snapped the lid back on his container of blood. “Fucking owned.”

“Hey—!! Dad, Thollux thweared too!! He thaid the F word!”

“You can’t prove anything.”

“Sollux, swear jar!”

“Dammit.”

Mituna cackled, amused even though he would be coughing up a dollar more than Sollux, since their dad hadn’t heard his second vulgarity. Or, he would’ve been if he didn’t have a particular trump card. “Thollux, you paid—owed, owe me five buckth, you gotta thwear jar for me.”

“Oh, so you couldn’t remember promising me I could have first dibs on the Xbox two days ago, but you can remember giving me five bucks however long ago? Somehow I don’t buy it.” Sollux crossed his arms, leaning on the edge of the counter challengingly.

“Yeth,” Mituna replied bluntly.

Sollux stared at his brother, who only grinned wickedly. “...Fine,” He conceded, pulling out his wallet to fish for three dollars. Mituna celebrated with another mouthful of sugary cereal while Sollux paid the toll and their dad stepped into the room, ready to go. 

“Sollux, look up directions to your new school for me, please. Are you both ready to go?”

“Yeth!” Mituna replied with enthusiasm, shoveling the rest of his cereal down his gullet and choking briefly on it before giving a thumbs up to show he was fine.

“Yeah, I'm good.”

“No you're not, go wash your face off, you have blood all around your mouth. Go brush your teeth too.”

“Ugh, fine.” Sollux complied and drifted off to the nearest bathroom, where he took a look at the floating glasses in the mirror. That never got any less unnerving with time, really. He brushed his teeth and washed his mouth off, and after some consideration dug a file out of the cabinet to get his elongated canines under control. Sollux had found out a year ago that if his fangs got damaged they had no trouble growing back, and so took the opportunity to keep them short unless it was getting close to a time when he needed human blood.

When he headed out to the living room, he was greeted by his family, ready to go. He pulled up his hoodie and took an umbrella from his dad for protection from the sun, and the three headed out to the car. Bye for now, new house. College, here he comes.

The ride was uneventful, the darkened windows letting Sollux watch the new streets roll by. He wasn’t completely protected from the sun’s rays while he compulsively counted red cars and left turns, but the feeling was dulled down to what a hot summer’s day would feel like to a normal human. Five minutes into the ride, he drifted back off to sleep, the sound of his brother and dad arguing over something meaningless fading into white noise. Sollux stayed in that half-conscious, almost dreaming state until the car was parked in front of the dormitories, at which point Mituna kindly woke him up by giving him a wet willy.

“What the fuck?!” Sollux exclaimed, face contorting in surprised disgust. Mituna cackled loudly, even as he was shoved off and onto the floor of the car.

“Sollux!” His dad scolded from behind, having opened the trunk to get out the packed boxes with Sollux’s belongings.

Sollux laid down against the back of the car seats, avoiding any sunlight that the opening behind him let in. “That doesn’t count, MT jumpscared me and there’s no swear jars at college.” 

Simon waved a hand and picked a box up. “Fine, fine, I’ll let it slide this time. Go inside and get your keys and do paperwork, me and your brother will get the boxes inside.” To Sollux’s relief, Simon was quick about unloading things onto the pavement to be carried inside, and the trunk door was shut. Mituna groaned at his new job, but rolled over to climb out of the car. Sollux similarly rolled his eyes and reached down to pick up his umbrella, then got up to head for the door after his brother. He flipped up his hood and briefly burned his hands when he stuck them out to open the umbrella, wincing before stepping out. He wasn’t exposed long enough for the sun to cause any real damage, but it still stung like a bitch, like jumping into a hot tub right after getting out of the cold pool.

“Don’t let MT carry my electronics!” Sollux warned over his shoulder, walking towards the front doors of the building with a slouch.

“Alright, alright.”

“Computer horny nerd bitch!” Mituna shouted.

Sollux raised a middle finger to flip off his brother over his shoulder and continued towards the doors. Once inside, he was greeted by someone who was probably in charge, since they knew what to do. He wasn’t about to ask questions or remember the name they introduced themselves with, and basically forgot everything about the interaction once he got the keys to his dorm room. Two cardboard boxes had been brought in by his dad and brother in that time, so Sollux lets his dad know that he’s gonna start taking them up before doing so.

To his great disappointment, his room was on the third floor and not the second like he’d asked for. This came with the disadvantages of both leaving his ‘number fetish’ (as his friend Karkat so eloquently put it) unfulfilled, and making him carry his shit up two sets of stairs instead of just one. This would be one of the times he’d be thankful for his undead transformation, lending him some heightened physical capabilities that were probably the only reason he made it without having to stop for a break. That might sound like hyperbole, and it partially is, but Sollux had also been avoiding gym class since elementary school.

Nevertheless, he set the box full of clothes down to pick his keys up off the top of it. Sollux checked the room number they were labelled with and the room number of the door he was in front of, then let himself into his crash space for the next year.

It was small, with two each of beds, desks, and dressers. The furniture was simple and arranged mirrored on either side of the room, with a window dividing them on the opposite wall. Thankfully, the sun wasn’t in a position where it shone through onto Sollux, but when he stepped in he still closed the shutters. He flicks the lightswitch to illuminate the room in artificial light that wouldn’t burn, even if he could see in the dark, so that he wouldn’t be tempted to go back to sleep. After some inspection, he claimed the right half of the room, which had less damaged outlets and a bed that didn’t creak when he sat on it.

With the one box placed on his bed to claim it, he heads back down to the first floor to carry the rest of his things up with his family. Against his wishes, they also help him unpack, Simon being particularly adamant about utilizing the dresser to actually store clothes instead of letting his son just keep them in the cardboard moving box. Mituna mostly dicked around instead of helping, laying down on the other bed. He seemed to be watching his family, waiting for a chance when their backs were turned. Once he got that chance, he started laughing maniacally, which Sollux gave him a suspicious look for.

“What’s so funny?” He questioned.

“Nothing,” Mituna answered, looking like a liar.

Sollux gave his brother an antagonizing glare, but when nothing came out of it other than a larger grin, he decided to not give anymore fucks. “Fine, whatever.” He could deal with the consequences of whatever Mituna did later.

Mituna celebrated to himself, then got up to finally start helping. With all three of them working, the whole thing only took about ten minutes, and when everything was unpacked and put neatly away (the cleanest it’d be for the year, if Sollux was left to his cluttered habits) heartfelt goodbye hugs were given.

“Dad, our house is like a thirty minute drive away now, you don’t really need to—”

“Don’t deny an old man his pleasures,” Simon cut off, hugging Sollux a little tighter.

Sollux threw his arms out, though was still trapped in the hug. “You’re like forty-something!”

“Not important,” Simon argued, pulling away but keeping his hands on his son’s shoulders. “Do you want me to bring you a lunch bag for tomorrow?”

“Dad, even if I could still eat food, that’s not how college works.”

“I know, I know, I’m just teasing. It’s just…” His tone grew a bit more serious. “I’m gonna be worried about you no matter what, alright? I’m your dad, and you’re not really…”

“I know.”

Simon’s face softened into worry. “I don’t want any angry mobs coming after my son. Just stay safe, okay?”

“I will, dad,” Sollux assured him, “I love you.”

They embraced in another hug, which Mituna snickered at. “Thtupid lame nerdth!” 

Sollux took an arm off of hugging duty to flip off his brother, earning a mocking raspberry from him. Simon laughed and finally pulled fully away, but not before giving Sollux a fatherly forehead kiss. “Alright, alright, Mituna, c’mon, let’s let your brother settle into adulthood.”

Mituna sprang up to follow his dad, making a pit stop to give Sollux his own hug. Sollux pulled his helmet down over his eyes, which Mituna fixed before pulling Sollux’s glasses off so that they fell to the floor. They both laughed while Mituna finally headed out the door, slamming it behind him and leaving Sollux to himself.

Bending down to pick up his glasses, Sollux sighed contently. He sat on the bed he’d claimed, pulling out his phone to check his email. Inside was some junk and a job offer for some small coding thing for a website that paid a flat rate, which he took. He might as well, he needed the money anyways, and was just glad that the assholes found him at all. He really should put himself more out there for freelance work, especially now that he’s unemployed for the time being. Whatever.

His phone pings with a text from Karkat, which he replies to with two middle finger emojis while he yawns. He was fine, Sollux told him, he was fine and he was going to take a nap now. He turned his phone off without reading the reply, plugging it in to charge before laying down and swaddling himself with the blanket he’d brought with him. 

Sollux would fall asleep and stay that way, even after his roommate arrived later in the day with a bag of their own. He’d sleep through the lights turning on, and he’d even sleep through the noise that they made while getting themselves settled, muttering complaints. He’d sleep, that is, right up until they screamed in utter disgust.

“W-what the fuck?!”


	4. Chapter 4

_         Present day, 1:23 PM _

Two fish swam innocently around their tank, fins fluttering around in front of the sad eyes of the person watching from outside. Even though Eridan no longer tapped on their tank to make them panic like he used to, he was currently even more solemn than he usually was when watching them.

There was no possible way Eridan could take them with him where he was going. The tank was just too large to conceivably fit in his car, definitely too large for him to get it out to his car inconspicuously. The thought of leaving them behind put a lump in his chest that he’d been trying to work around for the past few minutes. He already had a tub of water set aside, along with a smaller container. In that container was a mixture of clove oil and water that would euthanize Julius II and Augustus II once he added both to the tub. It was either that or let them starve slowly to death from neglect while he was gone. Eridan sighed sadly and stood up.

He fished both of his companions out of their home with a net he kept close by, and deposited them in the tub. They bumped into the opaque walls in a panic, and Eridan closed his eyes as he added the clove oil mixture. He opened them again, then, to watch the fancy goldfish get slower until they floated up to the surface, unconscious on their sides. For how many times Eridan had contemplated killing at least one of them in his youth, it was excruciating to watch them both slowly stop breathing. He almost cried over it, but stopped himself with a cough. It was done, there was no going back and no point in sobbing over two animals without the brain capacity to recognize him anyways.

Eridan had spent the past few weeks discreetly loading up his car with things that he’d need for living at college, and the past few years trying to get into college in the first place. Two fish that would die in a few years maximum weren’t going to stop him now, no matter how attached to them he’d grown. He reached into the tub, holding the body of Julius II. He thought about giving the dead fish a hug for a sentimental goodbye, then decided against ruining his shirt for something stupid like that. Instead he set the body back down in the water and picked up the tub to carry his dead pets to the bathroom connected to his bedroom.

There he recited various grieving lines from Shakespeare while dumping the fish into the toilet, ceremoniously giving them the flush. The bodies were sucked into the pipes with an unsatisfying slurping noise, so Eridan quickly left the scene of the short, solitary funeral.

Back in his room, Eridan took a moment of silence to scan the familiar surroundings. The walls have been stripped mostly bare, and his open closet displayed a halved inventory of outfits. This had been his sanctuary for the past five years, and it was a little unsettling to see it half deconstructed like this, to see the tank at his desk empty. There was a good chance that he wouldn’t ever come back here, and he’d come to terms with that a long while ago. The things he would leave behind weren’t things he was happy to part with, but ended up with the short end of the stick when compared to his other belongings. Such was the unfortunate downfall of owning too much when running away.

If Eridan had been on the outside looking in on his situation, he would’ve laughed at the idea of something like that being a problem. What other person on Earth needs to run away to go to college when their family is so well-off? It was a little bit comical, as sad as it was. But being a killer didn’t require a higher education, as his father was sure to let him know for the past few years. That mindset put him in this situation, where he’d stolen a large sum of money to pay for school and board, to escape the trappings of his upbringing. He was simply an artist, not a fighter. He might’ve thought he was the latter when he was younger, harboring some genocidal daydreams, but after being thrust into that reality he found it was not one he wanted to stay in. This plan that he cooked up so long ago was his chance to escape that, and he almost couldn’t believe that it was being put into action this very moment. Eridan’s heart beat against his chest, and he suddenly found himself nervous.

Choking that feeling down, he stepped over to his desk to pick up his laptop and its charger. He packed it into an old backpack along with his phone, a pack of beef jerky that’s probably expired (can beef jerky expire?), some clothes, and some books. This was the last load of belongings that he’d bring out with him, as once he got to his car this time he’d be driving off to his new school and residence. At the door he quietly said goodbye, then turned around and didn’t look back.

The only sounds in the hallways on his path to the front door were his own footsteps. The large house—mansion, really, let’s be real here—radiated an eerie silence that he hated, and would be glad to be out of forever. Ever since Cronus left it felt impossible to talk, to make any noise out here, like it’d bring the house down on top of them all. The only time anyone spoke was when his father was home in the evenings, and even then it felt forced, unnatural. Him and his son had nothing in common to talk about other than their feral fights in the woods at night. Even then Orpheus had grown more quiet on that topic lately, ever since Eridan started winning some of the fights.

He reached the front doors after navigating the maze he’d memorized long ago, slipping out into the ostentatious front yard. His father was out at work by now, he’d waited long enough to be certain of that, so he didn’t bother to sneak as he made his way to the garage. Eridan opened the garage door via the keypad on the wall next to it, ducking inside before it was fully open. He got to the driver’s side of his car (some expensive brand he doesn’t know the name of, he was never a car person) and slid his backpack onto the seat next to him. After a check behind himself to make sure all his packed belongings were still there, Eridan pulled out of the garage and hightailed it the hell out of there.

Over the course of the drive he grew more and more worried, second-guessing himself and this plan as a whole. He could just turn back now, forget about this whole thing, get new pet fish. He wouldn’t be bad at taking over his father’s job, he wouldn’t have to worry about security, but… Now that Eridan was thinking back on everything, he decided he never wanted to see blood again. He didn’t want to kill people and not think anything of it. He gripped the steering wheel and set his decision in stone, pulling into the parking lot of the dorm building he’d be living in for the next year. He sat there and stared for a good minute or two before taking his keys and getting out with his backpack.

Eridan left the bulk of his things in his car to deal with later, heading inside and getting the keys to his room from the office. Third floor? Seriously? Come on! He specifically asked for a room on ground level to avoid hauling all his shit up two flights of stairs, but look where he was. He complained to himself in a mutter all the way up to his room and inside, after fussing with the lock to let himself in. 

The lights were off, shrouding the room in a darkness that suggested he was the first one here. Eridan hadn’t expected such, with how late he showed up, and a flick of the lights proved that assumption wrong. The right half of the room was occupied and decorated in a style that made Eridan want to gag, and housed a lump of blankets Eridan could only guess was his new roommate. 

Sol… Solomon? Something with an ‘S’, he remembered. They’d emailed like twice prior to this, disclosing allergies and such so no one died upon entering the room. Apparently the fucker was allergic to the sun or something, which Eridan had thought was a really bad cover-up for vampiric symptoms until Google told him it was a real thing. He decided not to dig his nose in the guy’s business to confirm any suspicions either way, since this was his chance to get away from the supernatural, not dive into some stupid centuries-old war.

Eridan realised he was just staring at the guy, which was just asking for some awkward situation to arise. He berated himself under his breath and slung his backpack off his shoulders to lean it against the unclaimed bed, then crouched down to unpack what he’d brought up with him. The outfits he put away in the dresser provided, the books he stacked on the desk on his side of the room, and the bag of beef jerky he half-consumed. His laptop was plugged in to his charger and set next to the books, but his phone was left in the bag for now. Finished for now, he sat down on the bed.

There was something unidentifiable under the blankets that was poking his leg.

The last assholes to use this place must’ve left something, or his roommate stuck something under there to be a dick. Those were the more preferable options even, and Eridan shivered at the thought of it being something that got in there without human help. Rubbing the sore spot on his thigh that the mystery object left, he pulled back the blanket to reveal it.

His eyes went wide with shock, then narrowed in scandalized fury as blood rushed to his cheeks. What lay there was… phallic, and someone better hope that it wasn’t used if they wanted to keep their eyes in their sockets.

“W-what the fuck?!” Eridan shouted, half disgusted and half pissed the fuck off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> RIP Julius II and Augustus II (Chapter 2, 2019 - Chapter 4, 2019). F in the chat, gamers.


	5. Chapter 5

Sollux nearly jumped out of his own skin at the piercing cry that came from the other side of the room, startled and disoriented. He barely had time to open his eyes before his face was pelted with a projectile dildo, which made him flail briefly and make a noise akin to a frog being strangled.

“What the fuck is wrong with you?!” The dildo-thrower bellowed, giving Sollux the first impression that he was a major dick.

Sollux was groggy, confused, and injured, but fought back. “What the hell do you mean? You just threw—” He took a look at the offending object, and sputtered, “Did you just throw a fucking dildo at me?!”

“You’re the one who put it in my damn bed!” 

Now Sollux was more confused than anything. He hadn’t— hm. So that’s what Mituna was doing on the other bed. It was way too early to be dealing with bullshit like this. And by too early, he meant about two and a half hours past noon.

“Okay, hold on a fucking—”

“You’re sick, you’re fuckin’ sick, you know that?”

“Shut up for a sec—”

“I don’t even fuckin’ know you, this is messed up!”

Sollux was starting to get pissed. It was more than just a misunderstanding now, the asshole wouldn’t stop ranting for a second so he could explain. “Just can it, I’m not the one who—!”

Interrupting Sollux, he threw his hands up incredulously. “A sex toy! A damn sex toy! Don't you have any goddamn decency?!”

Sollux threw his hands up in return. He was done with this crap. “Fine! Fucking whatever! Just fuck off!” If this guy wanted to stick reason up his ass and ignore the explanation, then whatever.

“Fine! An keep your disgustin’ dildo!”

“Fine!”

Sollux nearly growled as he thumped back down on his bed, cocooning himself off in his blankets and facing the wall. His new roommate grumbled and did the same for a few seconds, then got up to flick the light off before returning to his bed. Sollux nearly fell back asleep before his roommate got up a second time.

“I ain’t goin’ to bed, it’s three in the damn afternoon!”

“Then leave!”

“I  _ am _ leavin’!”

“Good!”

“Fuck you!”

“Just get the hell out of here, for God’s sake.”

“Fine!” He grabbed his backpack and stormed out of their room, nearly slamming the door behind him. 

Sollux felt tired in a way that couldn’t be cured with sleep, and he also felt like his brother was already laughing without even knowing whether or not his prank worked. He was gonna kill Mituna the next time he saw him. Sollux glared at the wall and finally went back to sleep, to at least cure the tiredness that he could.

It wasn’t clear when his roommate returned, but when Sollux woke up that evening around 8 PM, the other bed was occupied and producing some soft snores. Who even goes to bed before 8 PM anyways? What an asshole, maybe the next time he needed human blood he’d just cross the room and get it over with. It’s not like it’d kill the guy, as Sollux learned over the years, just knock him unconscious for a few hours and make him woozy after. The holes even sealed over pretty fast, as long as he didn’t drink too much. Maybe he just won a really shitty lottery three years ago, or his family—he’d been getting his human blood from them, since his skills don’t lie in sneaking around and attacking random people from the shadows—was immune or something? Whatever, he wouldn’t feel too bad if his roommate (What was his name? Something prissy and Greek sounding, Sollux vaguely remembered. He wasn’t paying too much attention or giving too many shits when they introduced themselves over email) got vampired too. Asshole kinda deserved it.

Sollux realized he was just staring at the guy with a menacingly tired squint and shook himself out of it. Whatever. Why should he give two shits about this douchebag anyways? Not able to come up with anything approximating a good reason, Sollux filed his feelings on his new roommate into the apathy cabinet of his mind. Now that that was all sorted out, he hauled himself out of bed only to sit back down at his desk. Classes didn’t start for a week and Sollux didn’t plan on participating in freshman orientation, so there was no reason to try for a diurnal schedule just yet. Besides, no one was awake to bother him at night, it was the optimal time to be up and not have to deal with bullshit.

It was times like these, with nothing to do besides be awake due to biological imperative, when Sollux felt like he got the most done. Even if most of the stuff he got done was progressing in his various MMO accounts and coding viruses that installed infinite instances of Bonzi Buddy until there was no space left on the hard drive. Sollux would still call that productive, by technicality. 

At around 3 AM Sollux sent Karkat one of those viruses, daring him to run it. He probably wouldn't, but the times he did were always funny. An hour later he ran out of MMOs to dick around in, and switched over to doing work that he’d actually get paid for. He had that website to design for a few hundred bucks, and while he wasn’t the most artistically inclined, he liked to think that the one semester of graphic design he took in middle school helped a little. At least he had the more technical aspects covered better than Leonardo DiCaprio trying to hide from the paparazzi.

With a quick check of the email he’d been sent with the website specifications, he started laying the groundwork, taking a base from another site he’d made before. First he’d get things working properly without anything prettier than Helvetica and outlined buttons to show where to click, then he’d make it look better than a steaming pile of purely-functional shit.

He was working himself into a daze, he knew that, and should’ve probably started remembering to take his medication to prevent himself from going manic. But, as much as he thought about it, thinking about it wasn’t actually doing it, and he just needed to do this one page before he takes them, oh and this one other block of code he’d worked out the bug fix for… the pills were on his dresser, and his computer was right in front of him, much more accessible. Sollux eventually resolved to medicate before he went to bed, and let the nagging reminder fade from his mind. Immediate gratification was more important than silly things like preventing a crash into a depressive spiral.

Eventually he was pulled from his concentration by the sudden appearance of rock music. WIth a jolt and a hiss under his breath Sollux looked over his shoulder to see Douchelord Prime turning off what turned out to be an alarm on his phone and getting up. What the fuck? Was he actually planning on going to the stupid freshman orientation meet-and-greet ball-fondling party? At… Sollux checked the time, and what the fucking shit, at six in the morning? This guy was either an idiot who didn’t think he could skip orientation, a goody two-shoes who didn’t want to, or, more frighteningly, someone who actually wanted to go.

Not wanting to make things awkward, Sollux pulled the headphones around his neck up over his ears to avoid conversation. The douche seemed to notice that Sollux was still awake and wearing the clothes he had on last night, as evidenced by some uppity, disgusted scoff that Sollux made a point of ignoring. At least he had the bare minimum amount of decency to not come over and bother him, and instead went about his own business. A few minutes of muttering and shuffling around the room later an iPhone camera shutter started going off. To Sollux's horror, the sound continued, as if the guy didn't care that his phone wasn't on silent.

This was horrible. The severity of the situation had increased twofold as Sollux recognized that this asshole was more of an asshole than he previously thought. He wasn't just dealing with your everyday douchelord white boy who thinks they're better than everyone, oh no. This guy was much worse, Sollux noted, while said douchelord presumably got dressed out of his view. Sollux wasn’t gonna turn around to check either way.

A few minutes of the shuffling of clothing later, Sollux half-turned and glanced out of the corner of his eye to see him leave the room with a prideful aura. He didn’t even look tired, despite the fact that the sun was probably still rising. Sollux would even go as far to say that he seemed not revolted at how he was heading to a social event.

He was dealing with a roommate who could only be classified as an extroverted morning person. The thought alone almost made Sollux vomit then and there. He wasn't going to make it out of this year alive, was he?


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry this is so late y'all, life bit me in the ass in such a way that my pants comedically ripped to show off my heart-patterned boxers, thus humiliating me as a throw-away gag for the entertainment of the audience. Shit's still kinda fucked for the foreseeable future, but I'll do my best to get the next chapter out as soon as I can manage! Thank you all for the kudos and nice comments, they really helped me push through to get this done! <3

_6:00 AM_

Eridan opened his eyes to the chorus of _Sweet Child O’ Mine_ by Guns N’ Roses, smiling soft and contently. The song had been his morning alarm for the past few months, and so far its ability to energize him for the day hadn't faded in the slightest. He propped himself up on his elbow and let the song play a little longer, but dismissed the alarm before it got to the guitar solo. Not that he didn’t like the guitar solo, but he had an event he needed to go to today. Couldn’t get distracted with making a fool of himself by air-guitaring in front of his asshole roommate.

With a stretch he sat up on the bed, catching sight of said asshole roommate. Not that Eridan had been paying attention to what he was wearing, but good God it was clear he was still wearing the disgusting hoodie that he was in yesterday. Eridan scoffed in derision, but decided not to get involved. As much as he wanted to chew him out for being a slob, he had somewhere to be today that was much more worth his time.

Freshman orientation. The school held it for a few days in the week before the start of the fall semester, just as a way for a few older alumni to introduce freshman to each other and the campus. Eridan was going just for the meet-and-greets, that chance to show himself off. As far as he knew, none of his highschool friends were attending the same school, so this would be a fresh start for him. It would be his chance to get the popularity he deserved, without any of his… embarrassing childhood decisions hindering him. He’d bend his peers to his will and rule over the campus, people would beg him to come to parties and when he graced them with his presence they’d cheer. They’d grovel, they’d fucking grovel. He’d rule the world, if the world was a college in California and any of that actually had a chance of happening.

Invigorated with brash confidence he got to his feet and crouched down by his backpack. Eridan already had an outfit picked out and set on top of his short dresser, one that he’d pored over long before he even got here. Tight pants, a crop top that he just barely got away with at home— just add a light jacket and he was set. Well, a light jacket, plenty of hair product, a few rings, boots… then he was set, surely. He dug around in the bottom of his backpack for the one necklace he owned, one he stole from Cronus after he gave jewelry up, then deemed himself set for a third and final time.

Changing while his roommate was in the room was a bit awkward, a little nerve-racking, but Eridan powered through it as quick as he could. At least the guy wasn’t weird about it and was still looking at his stupid computer set-up when Eridan glanced over his shoulder to check. All dressed, he sat back down on his bed to use his phone camera as a mirror, and hot damn did he look good. He smiled at his image, laying down to pose for the camera and reveling in that satisfying shutter sound. Oh yeah, at least a few of these pictures were going into his carefully curated online presence, they were too good to not share with the world. He took a few more pictures at a few more angles before soaking in the confidence of self-expression and narcissism, then got back to his feet.

Barely managing to fit his wallet, keys, and phone in his too-tight pants, Eridan headed out to take on the world. First would be breakfast at this nice little place he scoped out beforehand with reasonably unreasonable prices; a cursory glance at google had told him they had really good breakfast sandwiches. He may have a soft limit to how much he could spend now that his father was sure to cut off his allowance soon, but he wasn’t going to dive into being poor. No, instead he’d most likely coast on his current funds, meaning to get a job to support himself only to run out of money before doing so. Eridan had never been good at these things called ‘life skills’ or ‘common sense’ or ‘making reasonable plans for the future’.

While the narrator was busy going off on a tangent, Eridan had gotten in the driver’s seat of his car. He fumbled his keys out of his pocket, poking the ignition with his dorm room key before turning the car on with the right one. The drive out to the breakfast place (not really a restaurant, more something like a cafe but without caffeine) was uneventful save for when he ran over a squirrel by accident. Well, it’s not like he tried to avoid the little fucker when it ran out into the road, but Eridan believed that weeding out stupidity in small mammalians was part of his duty as a force of natural selection.

At his destination he ordered whatever menu item sounded the best without checking the descriptions, and was treated to some bagel sandwich with a light hot sauce that caused him to need a second pre-packaged juice mixture from the counter to wash the burn down. He ate the whole thing and regretted nothing, because he wasn’t a pussy, even if his mouth still stung a little.

Since he was already out and about and had some time to kill before freshman orientation actually started, Eridan drove around for a while. No more squirrels ended up as road art, but he did end up bumping a parked car in an outdoor mall-like area while slightly distracted by something in a store window. Like the good samaritan he was, Eridan pretended he didn’t notice and quickly got the hell out of there. The rest of his time was spent window shopping and slightly speeding on his way back to campus once he realised he was going to be late if he didn’t.

Eridan parked his car in between a horrendous blue pickup truck and some small beige car with a hatchback. If the kinds of people who owned cars like these were the peers he was going to be competing with, it wasn’t gonna take much for Eridan to come out on top. As such, the sight of such unattractive vehicles didn’t put a damper on his mood one bit.

With a giddy bounce in his step Eridan left his car, double-checking that the doors were locked before making his way towards the designated meet-up spot for orientation. His excuse would be that he was fashionably late (by two minutes) on purpose, definitely, he hadn’t been planning to be exactly on time for the past five weeks. Of course.

\- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

_3:37 PM_

In Eridan’s opinion, the day had gone swimmingly, so much so to warrant the ocean pun.

Orientation had started out boring, endless presentations in one of the lecture halls detailing things he’d already researched in-depth two years ago. It was easy enough to weather, though, and he pretended to pay attention to the speakers so he wouldn’t look like an asshole to his peers by playing on his phone. Not too much attention, though, so he wouldn’t look like a teacher’s pet. Eridan had whittled this down to a science.

Next they were sorted out into groups for the meet-and-greets, Eridan’s main event, his chance to make a good first impression. Nay, not just good, but perfect. He knew exactly what to say, how he would introduce himself and how he’d answer any question the overseeing upperclassmen could throw at him. Whereas others may have been nervous or at the very least unhappy about introducing themselves with personal information to people they didn’t know, Eridan was more than ecstatic to do just that. His cowing peers had nowhere to hide from his introduction and masterful construction of a perfect personality, not that they’d want to anyways.

(They did, all of them did. At least Eridan’s mouth diarrhea kept the poor souls from having to say more about themselves.)

After that, lunch was offered in the courtyard, which Eridan had reluctantly taken so he wouldn’t look stuck up, even though he was and could barely get through the mediocre cafeteria food and shitty Costco cookies. He tried to strike up some conversation with some of the other incoming students to varying degrees of success ranging from being glared at with the assumption that he was trying to hit on a group of girls to having an only slightly awkward five minute conversation with someone that was mostly small talk about classes and clubs and other extracurriculars. Eventually, people dispersed to take care of other things the school offered.

Eridan had gone straight to get his picture taken for his student ID card before anything, just in case something in the near future soiled his image for the photo. He paid the $10 fee for the card to be printed and was given a date to pick it up at, then went on his merry way. He naturally drifted around to the booths that various school clubs had set up to recruit new members, perusing the tables like a connoisseur. Against common sense he signed up for anything even remotely related to his interests, or even just interests that he thought would get people to like him. It was yet to be seen whether this was a good idea or not, but it was most likely the latter.

By the time he was through with every booth that he deemed worth his time most of the other new students had wandered away from orientation altogether, leaving Eridan as one of the few awkward lingerers left. Not one to stray too far from the herd, he had quickly cleared off like it was what he’d been planning to do anyways. A little bit of a shaky end, but he couldn’t complain, it would leave him with enough time left in the day to get dinner and move himself the rest of the way into his dorm room.

So that’s where he was now, parking outside the dorm building after a satisfying minor flashback and breakfast tacos from a food truck. Eridan hummed a random tune to himself as he shut off the car and got out, popping open the trunk to retrieve his first box of belongings. Though it was heavy, he lifted it easily enough, a little surprising considering how much of a rich bastard he is. One would think a guy like him would expect other people do all the physical jobs for him, but he was surprisingly athletic. You’d be hard-pressed to find him in a gym, but he was fond of competitive swimming and shooting guns with heavy recoil, not to mention all the literal training to kill he was forced into since he was thirteen. He’d be all lean muscle if he weren’t naturally heavy-set, an unwelcome layer of pudge concealing what Eridan would describe as a ‘potentially rockin’ hot bod, hidden from the world out a some downright awful disrespect comin’ from the universe’.

It took him about an hour to get everything up to his dorm room, and to his surprise the asshole roommate hadn’t stirred an inch the whole time. Damn that guy was a heavy sleeper. Eridan supposed it’d be for the best, since it’d allow him to decorate the room without any interruptions or complaints, both of which he’d surely get from someone who thought it was okay to decorate an area like _that_. Really, the guy ought to thank him for this once he was done, since he wouldn’t be restraining his obviously superior decorating style to just his side of the room. And if he didn’t like it, well, that’d be his problem then, wouldn’t it? Maybe he should’ve thought about that before sticking a sex toy under Eridan’s covers for no good reason.

Two hours later and the room was completely redecorated in Eridan’s prefered selection of war movie posters and fairy lights, along with a few mounted guns for his particular romanticized military aesthetic. The artist himself was seated on his bed, taking a deep, proud breath in to puff up his chest before sighing with accomplishment. Oh yeah, this was much better. Eridan stretched while taking one more look around at his hard work, then decided it was about time to take his evening shower. He got to his feet to retrieve a set of fluffy white pajamas and his towel from his dresser. He’d brought his own, of course, not wanting to take chances, along with plenty of bottles of his favorite soaps and other products. Eridan was not going to fall victim to the stereotypical lax hygienic habits of college students, no sir.

As no one else was showering at 7:30 in the evening (there wasn’t another college student on Earth that had the same morning person schedule as Eridan, really), he had his pick of stalls, so checked them all before choosing the one he deemed the nicest. There he hung his PJ’s and towel up on a hook on the wall and undressed, hanging the dirty clothes up on a seperate hook. He wasn’t an animal, come on. In total it took fifteen minutes for him to shower with all the superfluous products he used, but in the end it was definitely worth it for the soft hair and clear skin and smelling like vanilla.

Eridan dried himself completely and redressed in the little shower stall, then tucked the towel and his clothes under one arm and his basket of hygiene products under the other. With a content smile he walked back to his dorm room and flicked the lights off, locating the switch for the fairly lights tacked up around the ceiling and wherever else they looked nice in. The mood of the room was perfect for more aesthetic pictures, which Eridan gladly took, with the shutter sound on, of course. That seemed to be the threshold for his sleeping roommate, though, as the sound of ruffling bedsheets started coming from the other side of the room. Eridan didn’t pay him any attention, seeing as he couldn’t give less of a shit about him.

He, apparently, though, gave a whole lot of shits about this situation. He squinted around the room with an awful case of bedhead, seeming to process his surroundings in a tired daze. His line of sight landed on Eridan and his pretentious iPhone shutter sounds, and murder filled his eyes. Eridan? Yeah, he’s dead meat.


End file.
